Between The Squiggles

Day of Random Musings # 1

My friend said that if you keep letting yourself do whatever feels right in the moment  – without being held back by guilt, pressure, or expectations  – you’ll gradually train your brain to let parts of yourself express in ways they haven’t felt free to before. And once your brain gets a real taste of what it feels like to act from desire (read joy) instead of duty, it begins to recalibrate. It starts to rewrite its internal logic, finding more reasons to choose what feels joyful.

Ofcourse, you have to do it enough times for your brain to even pick up on it.

So here’s my first day of doing exactly what I want to at this very moment in time: writing what’s on my mind. I do not should not care what you think of this. So here we go.

Well… I was thinking about the old days this afternoon.

I used to work at a legal aid organization, and I remember how I had to drag myself to work every day. The commute was long, veryyyyyyyy long, not that I minded.

Infact, I really REALLY looked forward to the long, incessant, honk-filled, black smoke-covered commute. It gave me just enough time to mentally prepare for another day of doing things I didn’t want to do but had to anyway.

I had a desk by the window, which was rare since not everyone got a view. A colleague once said, “I wish I had your desk. I’d keep staring outside, and think about life.” I scoffed, said, “Girl…. it’s not like it’s Bali outside.” All you could see were endless streams of bumper-to-bumper traffic and the dull roar of car horns that never really stopped.

Still, I get it.

When you’re suffocating, a window in front of even a landfill feels like a vacation. When you’re scared of what’s ahead, even a long commute feels like relief. And when you’re stuck in a life you’re tired of, even memories of a job you hated can feel like an escape.