Between The Squiggles

Day 2 of writing something-random-just-to-see-if-can-do-it-without-getting-conscious

Hmm. Well.

I ordered some fish from California Fish Grill today. I was craving this specific set they have on their menu and had been looking forward to getting it. I check my notifications and see that XYZ dropped off my order early. Great. I go outside and it’s nowhere. Greaaat?

I walk around the block, trying to match the image of the door he left the food in front of with the houses nearby. One door matches exactly. But there’s no food in front of it either. The only difference is that the screen door in the photo looked shut. This one was slightly open. I guess someone saw the bag, took it inside, and didn’t even take a moment to dig in (?)

Have you ever noticed that sometimes you don’t feel an emotion because it naturally arises, but because you expect to feel it? Like, the anticipation of the feeling creates the feeling itself. It’s no wonder that when someone close is saying goodbye and looks at you, almost waiting for a reaction as they’re waiting to go inside the airport, you suddenly feel something stir. Not necessarily because their leaving devastates you but because that look, that moment, adds just enough weight to a heart that was already teetering on the edge.

I do not mean to wax poetic. There is a connection.

Because as I walked back into my home, I expected to feel that same kind of surge – that familiar rush of irritation I usually get in moments like this. But for some reason, it was like my mind just… didn’t give in to the anticipation of feeling that anger today.

My eyes popped open.

Is this what self-growth feels like (despite what my whiny writing here might suggest)? Or is it just me finally surrendering to the usual, unpredictable stunts life keeps pulling?

Either way, the point is – I didn’t react. Or rather, my brain didn’t even reach the point where it wanted to react. It understood the futility ahead of time.

Is this what Viktor Frankl meant when he said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”?

Was this the quiet result of having used that oft-quoted “space” enough times for it to finally stick?

Who knows.

Yes, I know it was just a missing food delivery. But who said only the big moments in life get to come with big epiphanies?

P.S.: I have never cried for anyone at the airport.