Between The Squiggles

Day 5 of writing something-random-just-to-see-if-can-do-it-without-getting-conscious

Some days, I wish I had someone to write to.

Maybe… I could write to you?

But what do I even tell you about my life? I’ll try. I have 20 minutes.

I woke up groggy – mouth half open, a blob of saliva in the corner of my lips. I shut my mouth quickly as soon as I opened my eyes and swallowed whatever was there. I dragged myself out of bed, even though I could’ve easily slept another hour or two. But old habits die hard. Or maybe, in my case, I’ve been trying to figure myself out for so long that I cling to little habits just to … have some form of a steady sense of self. Waking up at 7 does that for me. No matter what happens, I get up at 7. Rain or shine.

Do you like rain? I do.

I then walked to the kitchen, switched on the Breville and made myself a coffee. I use oat milk in my latte and add a little sugar, not much. That’s the only time I consume sugar on purpose. Don’t mistake me for a fitness freak. I’m just trying to treat my body better now that I’m in my thirties. I tend to forget that my body, like all of ours, is a temple, for all it’s done for me since the moment I was born. It’s brought me this far, just like I’ve brought myself this far – to talk to you.

So, tell me – how am I doing so far?

Pretty bland, aren’t I?

I sipped my coffee as I unloaded the dishwasher. Usually, I sit in the backyard the first thing after I make my morning coffee, but not today. I first finished unloading the dishwasher, and then headed outside to the backyard. I grabbed a cracker on the way. Someone should have asked me about the weather today. It was beautiful. Of all the times the English language has failed to capture the essence of emotion, describing the feeling of being sun-kissed isn’t one of them. Like honestly… don’t the first rays of sunlight that fall on your face feel so tender? It almost feels like someone cupping your cheeks with both hands, reminding you are not, after all, entirely alone.

Do you like the sun? Do you think sunscreens are just for women?

I am digressing.

After that, the rest of the day went by in a blur – work, deadlines, errands. Think of me as just another person in a sea of thousands, walking through the crowd without really standing out.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to put myself down. I do crave recognition, just not in the way most people do. What I mean is, when I walk through people among the flurry of long coats and the sound of clicking boots, it’s hard to stand out because everyone’s doing the same. So I just take off my heels instead. My feet have been aching anyway. The clacking stops, and with it, so does the need to stand out.

But hey, you know how Windows (can’t relate if you use Mac) sometimes throws up random photos as your background? Sometimes it’s one of those shots of a busy platform, people mid-step, coats flying, boots clicking, trying to capture something universal about Mondays, monotony and movement. I know. You’re probably not the kind of person who even looks at those background photos. Not really. But maybe, just maybe, if you ever do look and your eyes catch on someone in the blur of a crowd – maybe it’ll be me. And maybe that’s all the “standing out” I’d ever ask for, if it meant you might write to me.

I came back home. Showered. Ate. Meditated. Sometimes, I read. Sometimes … just Netflix. But you won’t find me on social media anymore. I’ve deactivated everything. I just have TikTok now (I know), and even that’s just for a bit before bed. There’s something oddly comforting about watching random people sharing their life with you without them ever asking you to do the same. I’ve never been good at that.

Do you think you’re good at that? Then maybe you could write about all of it – to me.

I’m going to sleep now. I know, I had so much to say. But what’s the rush?

P.S. I don’t wear heels.