Between The Squiggles

Day 7 of writing something-random-just-to-see-if-can-do-it-without-getting-conscious

I don’t have much on my mind today. I thought what’s the harm in skipping writing for one day. But then again, wouldn’t that be cheating? Not anyone else, just myself. Cheating the process, or the experiment (refer to day#1 writing on my blog).

So today, I’ll just share a small story. I’m not planning this – just writing whatever comes to mind. As I always do.

I was around five, maybe four. This was right before we left Australia after my father was done with his PhD. I remember wearing a black top and a skirt. There was a small gathering at our house, some kind of party. My mother had cooked for everyone, most of whom were my father’s colleagues.

Someone had gifted me a nail polish set. I don’t remember if I got it that day or earlier, but I remember this: I pulled it out from under my bed, played with it for a while, then slid it back in. I remember trying to play with it a little longer, not so much out of interest, but more out of a quiet desperation to buy time before I had to show my face to the guests again. I didn’t talk much as a child either. I didn’t feel drawn to groups or noise. Staying away felt natural.

And that’s it. That’s the story I wanted to share with you. I didn’t even try to build a complete picture, or give you more context. This is all I wanted to share with you, because this is all I remember.

If you’re wondering why such an ordinary memory has stuck with me all these years, I’ve asked myself the same thing.

Maybe because… it’s one thing to carry the vague sense that you don’t belong, and another to have a memory quietly nod in agreement. That even as a kid, in the most forgettable moments, I was already holding this sense that I didn’t quite fit in (like most of us, I’m sure).

Maybe that’s why social anxiety sticks for so many people? It’s not fear of others, but recognition of ourselves.

Or maybe, it’s me just making up another excuse to not have to socialize. Thank you for reading this.