Between The Squiggles

You know I’ve got this thing for old songs (and movies/shows)?? I’ve mentioned it before. When I listen to old songs, it feels like I’m still living in that time. And if I’m still in that time, then I still have time. And if I have time, it means I haven’t missed my chance.

Chance for what, you ask? I’m not even sure. But you know the feeling.

Things haven’t felt right for a while now. It’s been hard. So of course I gravitate toward content that reminds me of a time when things were right.

Funny, isn’t it? When we’re young and elders tell us, “You’ll miss your childhood when you grow up,” we roll our eyes, picking out a hundred flaws in our upbringing, convinced there will never come a day.

But then, one day, you’re an adult. And then you’re a bigger adult. And then suddenly, you’re in your 30s. Being in your 30s isn’t bad, not at all, but you realize that if your teens and twenties slipped by in a blink, then one day you’ll blink again and find yourself 51. I’m not scared of aging, nor do I cling to stereotypes about age. But it ‘s just that I am yet to be that person who’s learned to live fully. It really matters to me a lot. I’ve always kept telling myself or rather, consoling myself with “there’s time.” That I’ll get there. But maybe we only “console” ourselves with time when, deep down, we know we’re already running out of it?

This isn’t a sob story. I’m just being matter-of-fact.

This afternoon I lay down in my room in the dark for a while. When I came out twenty minutes later, I was hit by bright afternoon sunlight. That shift from dark to light should feel refreshing, unless you have conjunctivitis or something. But for some reason, it felt uneasy, and almost heavy. Maybe because my body, on some negligible level, has started associating daylight with dread. Daylight means scrolling through job boards, sending applications, and finding nothing.

Sunlight, for me, has become dread.

Why can’t I feel happy?