Between The Squiggles

Had an epiphany tonight.

I keep coming back to how quickly people make up their minds about others. It doesn’t take much – sometimes just a passing impression – a judgment to form? And I wonder, why is it so easy?

Please don’t get me wrong. I have my own first impressions and gut feelings too. But I try – sometimes almost to a fault – not to let those impressions harden into conclusions. People love to say, “I assume the best in others,” but I mean… like… do they, really?

My sister and brother-in-law, for instance, often talk about “data points” and how they reveal patterns. On one hand, I understand their logic (it’s probably the most valid?). On the other, it irks me. Data can be incomplete, biased, or miss the nuances altogether. And while they’ll say exceptions aren’t the rule, I can’t shake the sense that people are far too complex to be treated like datasets. I mean everyone knows that, right?

But where’s the humility?

Most of the time, we only see people through the lens of how they relate to us.

We all know the familiar logic: A person may appear “toxic” in the role of a partner, yet be a deeply caring sibling, or even a loving partner in another relationship. That none of these versions are untrue, they’re just partial.

But the lens we look through makes us forget the rest.

It’s like looking at the night sky through binoculars. All you see is darkness and emptiness, and you might convince yourself that’s the whole picture. But swap those binoculars for a telescope, and suddenly you find stars, galaxies, entire worlds you never imagined.

So I keep wondering… WHERE is the humility?

Where is the humility to admit that no matter how hard we try, we will never, not once, grasp the entirety of another soul? And if that is the case, where do we find the audacity to turn to data, as if it could hand us a diagnosis or a prediction of who someone really is?

And why is it that we reserve our willingness to cut people slack – or to ‘assume the best in others’ – only for the most extreme situations, but not in the small, ordinary moments of everyday life?

I guess it comes down to heuristics and all and I get that. But… I am just saying, like… we might be arrogant int eh subtlest way and not realize it? You get what I’m saying?

The irony is that when I raise this, I’m often told I give people “too much benefit of the doubt.” But isn’t that what everyone claims to do when they say they “assume the best?” Why, when I actually practice it, does it become a flaw?

And no, this isn’t about ignoring boundaries or excusing real harm. It’s not about saying someone dangerous isn’t dangerous. It’s about leaving room for complexity, for the fact that people can’t be flattened into a single role, or a single story. I mean, come on… I thought this was old news? But then why don’t we respond to people as if it were true?

Anyway

The reason I’ve gone on at length is because I had an epiphany tonight:

All my life, I’ve spoken to myself with such unkindness. But if what we see in others is only a projection of data what we carry within, then does it mean that every time I see the good in someone, I am – without realizing it – projecting the good that has been in me all along?